My wife and I recently spent 12 days on vacation with some amazing seniors and new seniors from different corners of the globe. There were lots of great conversations, some light hearted and some not so light hearted.
The seniors are in their 80’s, 70’s and late 60’s and the new seniors like me are in late 50’s and early 60’s (we were the minority on this vacation). Most were in the good health, some were recovering from recent illness and some were still unwell.
I wrote an article in late February this year entitled “Caring for our seniors in exponential times”. I wanted to write this article as a follow up based on the insights from this group of seniors and new seniors who so generously shared their stories of their past, present and plans for the future. I have altered their names and change a few details to respect their privacy.
Observations & stories
- Failing eye sights, hearing, stability and strength put limitations on their lives. They and their partners are frustrated by these limitations but get on with life as best they can. When some of these limitations are fixed or ameliorated it will give them a new lease of life. Peter & Mary – I met Peter during lunch one day and he told me his wife is unwell and he was going to quickly finish his meal and get back to the room with her lunch. A few days later Mary was well enough to join us. While they were both clearly concern about Mary’s health when they spoke of how they met, their careers, their children and grandchildren their eyes lit up and for that brief period of conversation Mary’s own limitations were forgotten.
David, we met at breakfast and he was looking forward to getting his cataracts done when he finished this vacation. He was struggling to read most printed documents and is becoming conscious about walking into things. I shared my own experience of having my cataracts fixed and reassured him that these days cataract surgery is very much a routine procedure. It made a difference in my life and it will make a difference in his.
Shifting out of the family home to a residential facility of any configuration is a source of great anxiety for seniors. Most of the time it is a safety concern that triggers the move out of a family home to a care facility. Sometimes seniors themselves want to make this decision while they still can before it is made for them. Whatever the reason, this shift is a source of great anxiety for the seniors even when they are well and making the decision themselves. Ron and Angela – they were both fit and well but have bought a self-care unit in an aged residential facility. With all their adult children no longer living with them their family home has become too big for the two of them. They were shifting after this vacation. They had to work through what furniture, pictures, books, clothing, plants, tools, etc to keep or give away in order to move into a much smaller accommodation. This was more than just a logistics exercise. They were deciding what items that were very much part of their lives to now leave behind. They knew that hard decisions have to be made and they wanted to make it themselves. Their anxiety was evident despite putting on a brave face.
Some seniors without children are thinking how, where and who will look after them as they get older. Andrew and Jill – we met both of them during lunch one day and during our conversation they shared that they had no children. They were thinking through where, how and who will look after them as they got older especially when one of them became unwell. They were starting to look at options for aged residential care and asked what aged residential care was like in New Zealand.
- Social contact is important but not all contacts are always helpful. Larry and Barbara – sat in the next table across from us during dinner time. One day she lean across to our table and said “can we join your table? I think it would be more fun”. They were challenged by some seniors on their table that talk more than they listen!
- Positive attitude makes a huge difference. Some seniors have such positive personality that lifts the mood of those in their company. Yoko – for an 80 year old she looked more like in her 60’s. There was a cheekiness in her character and this was confirm one day when she said to us “I have to go now, my boyfriend is calling me” and then she was off into the arms of a senior gentleman.
- What you talk about matters. Philip and Eileen were quite private until we talked about their favourite past time (dancing). They were generous with suggestions on how to get started, who were the best teachers, what to watch out for, etc. It was clear dancing is their “happy place” and when our conversations started to drift elsewhere, the energy level dropped. So back to talking about dancing!
- Every couple need space for “me” time. We played table tennis quite a bit on this vacation and noticed on numerous occasions some seniors standing around by themselves hoping to be invited to play. There was George, the American (who even brought his own bat), Hiroshi, from Japan (who had a wicked spin serve) and Kathy from England. Their partners were doing something else and clearly table tennis was their “my alone time”. We invited them to join us and had a great time yelling like teenagers at every missed ball and occasional amazing shots. Our bodies did feel a little bit stiff the next day!
- Doing everyday routine can be the source of hilarious and encouraging conversations. I am talking about doing the laundry. We all have to queue to do our laundry (just like in university hostels). Complete strangers helping others with instructions on how to use the washer, dryer and ironing. Waiting in the queue for your turn gives rise to all sorts of conversation, example Johan had been trying shake off a niggling sore neck. My wife said that during dinner time she would bring some medication that might help. She did and he was blown away by a stranger’s generosity.
- There are bad days and sometimes despite best intention misunderstanding occurs. We went for an outing and part way through Hillary became very upset because the group leader was walking too fast and she felt left behind. So she threw a giant tantrum. It was very awkward for all and the group leader was super gracious and managed the incident extremely well.
- The 80’s is the new 60’s and the 70’s are the new 50’s. Most seniors and new seniors are not letting their age limit their enthusiasm for living and learning. They are mentally and physically active and interested in the old and new ways of doing things:
Every morning there is a queue outside the gym at 6am and by 7am almost all exercise machines were occupied. Watching the yoga and stretching exercises I had no idea how flexible our bodies can still be at 70’s and 80’s.
Beginner classes for card games and dancing each morning were always full.
There were regulars at the daily IT class teaching the basics of modern e-connected world (many wanted to know how to use Facebook and WhatsApp to talk and share photos with families).
The auditorium for lectures was almost always full and sometimes standing room only when interesting topics are presented like Brexit and Understanding Islam.
Let me finish on a very special note. We met Chris and Kate on our second day over dinner and in the course this vacation became friends. We started off slowly but in no time at all were sharing with some details our past, present and future. We agreed to keep in touch and promised to visit them in the UK sooner rather than later. They were great company during this vacation and the two hours during dinner became a highlight for the four of us. Chris had a health scare a few years back but has recovered and living life to the full. Kate is terribly supportive and trying to keep up with Chris’s appetite for new adventures. This friendship started when Chris casually said “hello, how was your day”. Thank you Chris and Kate.
Final remarks
By now you must be wondering and guessing what type of vacation we were on. We joined a cruise from Australia to Japan where the majority of the passengers were seniors and new seniors. Caring for our seniors should not be left to just politicians, policy makers, providers and health professionals. As a recently retired public health official and a new senior I have both a professional and personal interest in the insights from these stories. Chapter 5 of Dr Atul Gawande’s book “Being Mortal” highlights those who are pioneering different ways of caring for seniors. I have lost count of the number of new seniors who have said that what they see happening to their parents will not be happening to them. I believe them because that this exactly how I feel.